I’m Not Okay With This.

Can I take a minute to get brutally honest with y’all. Wherever you’re at, could you just give me a minute. I’m looking for a chance to unload — a chance to share something very personal and cutting.

First of all, this is not whining. I’m not looking for sympathy and I sure as the DEVIL ain’t looking for pity. What I am…is sitting at Starbuck’s. Which may come as a surprise to you for a couple of reasons. On the one hand, I’ve been spending a lot of time here recently, and on the other hand…I don’t have a job. Which makes buying things difficult.

However, I’ve had some events in the past couple months that provided me with a small pocket of money that was recently rediscovered in the house. So I put some money on my Starbucks card a few weeks ago and thought I still had plenty on it for a cup of joe. But I didn’t. And I had no cash in my wallet.

So here is my current situation. I’m sitting at Starbucks. Nothing to drink. Guilting myself for being willing to spend four dollars on a cup of coffee to begin with. Just noticed a girl I went to high school with at the drive through window. She’s in a nice car and talking to her two kids in the back seat. I’m trying to decide whether to watch “Friends” or “iCarly” when I get home and whether the dog and I should snuggle on the couch or the bed.

And suddenly I’m on emotional rock bottom.

Now, I have finally broken through the spiritual repeat cycle that was eternally stuck on “I-don’t-have-a-job-and-I’m-a-failure” (uh-huh uh-huh!). However, the new one tonight is: “Okay, so you’re where God wants you. But you look like a slacker. You look like you don’t care. And it looks like no one expects more from you.” Well, stupid little jerk voice in the back of my head, shut up for a hot second and let me say something.

I’m not okay with this.

I’m not okay with beating myself up over being where God wants me because it isn’t conventional. I’m not okay with people thinking that wait staff in restaurants should be treated with less respect than I give my dog. I’m not okay with employers who can’t act their age and show hostility to employees who get better jobs and quit. I’m not okay with adults thinking it is acceptable to act like 15 month olds. I’m not okay with pediatric cancer research being the most underfunded research in the country. I’m not okay with the entertainment industry teaching women that they should get violent revenge for wrongs done to them. I’m not okay with the entertainment industry teaching men that women are delicate little flowers that must be protected. I’m not okay with the well of bitterness overflowing in my heart. I’m not okay with this.

You know what I’m okay with?

I’m okay with being broke as your new iPhone screen but wallowing in the peace of being in my element and God’s plan. I’m okay with part time job holders being more dedicated to their jobs than many full-timers. I’m okay with employees showing respect and dignity out reverence for common decency. I’m okay with 15 month olds showing grownups what life and strength look like. I’m okay with children kicking cancer in the face without the help of science. I’m okay with women who recognize their own strength and vitality and refuse to live as victims. I’m okay with men who respect women but just sit back and laugh while the woman holds her own dang ground. I’m okay with wells of living water not just overflowing….but erupting and drowning everybody in the love of Jesus Christ.

Started out as an “I can’t take it” post.
Ended as a “take that” post.

Satan…kiss my sword.
Jesus…be my guide.

Be His.

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